Whoops
by PSYchOtiC-teNdencieS
Summary: Hijack PWP one-shot! :P WARNING: M/M, awkward sex, unwieldy snark, weird lube, and all around extremely silly. Durhahaha...


**A/n**: So I wrote a Hijack PWP. A really awkward, silly PWP... oh well hahaha. Fun and goofy sex scenes are a nice break from the usual sometimes. :P

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"Uhhh..."

The dragon rider's mouth stretched crookedly, caught between a grin and a cringe. He couldn't fake a smile even if it meant the difference between life and Astrid's yak-milk.

Some people – ah, no, some _numskulls_ (no shortage of those around here) look at Hiccup and see only this. They see quirking features on a skinny, clumsy, weirdo kid of a great village chief, and figure that's it. Nothing to see past that. But here's the thing – sure, okay, put him on the spot and Hiccup can get pretty tongue-tied, and when it's really bad you can practically _see _the awkward rising up like steam over his bobbing head – what you have to understand is, this is a guy who took out a dragon about five _hundred _times his size. This is a guy whose best friend is a giant flying reptile that can wreck an entire house by breathing on it. This is a guy who melts iron and hammers it into whatever weapon or tool he wants. This is a guy who runs, actually _runs_ on a leg made of metal, and smiles like nothing's missing.

This is not a guy you want to underestimate.

"H-ha, well that um, that was ah..."

His eyes bulged so wide under the upward slant of his brows, Jack would have snickered and warned him to watch it, or they might pop right out of his head like a baby Terror from its egg. Then he probably would have elbowed his bony arm and grinned at Hiccup's indignant scowl. He would have, if Jack were anything like himself today. But obviously he wasn't, or he wouldn't have gone ahead with something so insanely _stupid_ - stupid even for Jack Frost.

"Yeeaahh that... was kind of terrible," he said instead through a tight jaw.

Hiccup started to shape a response, thin lips rounding, but no sound pushing past them as he blinked a little more than usual.

"Well," he managed to say in a paradox of forced nonchalance. He tilted his head slightly to the side and looked up, as though looking for a script with his next line on the ceiling. "It wasn't, I mean-"

When his hazel-green eyes turned back to meet Jack's frank stare, almost deadpan but for the sheepish tug to his lips and the faint rise of an eyebrow, Hiccup gave up. His tense shoulders dropped a little, the hesitant twists in his face smoothed to little ironic curves, and he ditched the vain endeavor to be anything but a sarcastic little shit.

"Yeah, yeah 'terrible' would be a pretty accurate description," he admitted with a small grin. "Were you _trying _to take a bite out of my face, or..."

Jack didn't know whether to laugh or bang his head on something. Instead he found himself wearing an open half-smile and fixing only his eyes -_not_ his tempted head- to the wooden wall at the dragon rider's back.

"...No," he retorted, returning his bright blue gaze to Hiccup. And much as he sought for something slightly less _lame_ to add, nothing more than that came out. So he just stared, mouth agape and speechless.

Ladies and gentleman, Jack Frost. Guardian of Fail. Maybe he _should _book an engagement between his forehead and that wall...

Hiccup didn't reply right away. Jack was wide open for an attack –and Thor knows _he _wouldn't miss a golden opportunity like this if it were Hiccup in his place– but the freckled Viking was always the more merciful of the two.

"Ehh, I don't know, I'm pretty sure you went cannibal on me back there. In fact, did you leave teeth-marks, I feel like there ar- okay yes, wow, yes you left teeth-marks. Solid evidence of cannibalism! Right here!"

...You know, 'merciful' is a kind of strong word, isn't it?

The dragon rider had his lower lip pinched between his fingers, revealing a row of slightly crooked and here-and-there chipped teeth. Jack could almost hear Toothiana weeping from her floating palace. Or was that Jack's ego...

A little laugh was all the sound the winter sprite could muster before he gulped, and breathed in. "Yeah, okay fishbone," he muttered through a flat smile. Then an absurd thought poked at the dilapidated remains of his self-esteem, and a spark of inspiration rekindled the debris. "You got me, so I'll come clean... yes, I was trying to eat you. I've wanted to eat you for a long time now. I tried to fight these feelings because I know it's wrong, but I couldn't hold back anymore and your nose is looking really tasty right now can I just-"

"Hey, back off frost-butt," Hiccup laughed, pushing his palms back against Jack's chest as the guardian dipped towards the rider's nose.

Jack caught the other boy's shoulders to keep his ground, and they struggled with almost childish gusto and candid grins.

"You ordering me to heel," the guardian huffed through his efforts to reach his round target at the center of Hiccup's face, "like one of your lizards?"

"No, no that would assume – gah!" the rider pushed harder and swiveled his head away from Jack, just avoiding a taunting chomp of pale blue lips over icy teeth, "—that you – had the brain capacity – of – ack okay get off!"

Hiccup's choppy comeback completely derailed as Jack finally got the freckled bulb of the boy's nose between his chops. The victory came a little unexpected, so the nipping sprite's guard went down long enough for Hiccup to shove Jack's face back.

"You are so – you make Vikings look like delicate flowers!" the dragon tamer scowled, bringing his hand down against the inside of Jack's elbow, poised to push his arm off Hiccup's shoulder. The other hand stayed at Jack's chest, but neither pressed him back anymore – they just rested against him.

That same moronic _blankness_ crept up Jack's renewed confidence to fill it with more cracks. The spirit of fun chuckled over the interesting maneuvers his gut had upped and decided to perform. "Or just _you_," he muttered, and wow that was a lot huskier than he meant to sound.

Hiccup rolled his eyes, but when he looked back at the sprite he was smirking a little, fingers starting to curl into Jack's milk-white shirt.

Okay no, Jack's stomach _really_ had to stop with the gold medal spin dives. Timing, stomach! Really, just don't.

"Right, I'm a delicate flower." Hiccup's voice was low, quiet as it'd ever been, and oh hey, déjà vu, weren't they in this position a few minutes ago, when they...yeah. "I guess that makes you an overgrown weed hogging the sun."

There had to be a cleverer response to that than what came out of Jack's mouth.

"Maybe," he just mumbled, a little too distracted by the way Hiccup's stupidly huge eyes watched him, a green blend of amused and annoyed and just... warm? Was that what that was?

The dragon rider's grip on the front of Jack's shirt was tight, and Jack realized after a few moments when his brain apparently took a little vacation, Hiccup was pulling him closer. When he was near enough to feel the other boy's hot breath against his own face, Hiccup's eyes were closing.

Their second kiss was shorter, simpler, nothing like the heated mess of the first. Hiccup kissed Jack again, just another brief press of lips, and again, again...

Jack's mind, never in the greatest shape in the first place, wheezed and slowed to a lazy pace, while his heart sprinted way ahead of it. The lip locks were getting longer, mouths pushing together a little more firmly, with a kind of give and take between their slowly moving faces.

The guardian of fun released his friend's skinny shoulders and wrapped himself around Hiccup's waist – whoa, was that a row of hooks under his shirt, or were those ribs? Yeah no, those were definitely his ribs. Did the fishbone ever _eat_? Seriously though, that couldn't be norm—oh, okay, now Hiccup had his arms round Jack's neck, that was different. And he was leaning up close against him and _Odin Almighty_, sometimes Jack forgot how _small _Hiccup was. And he remembered, that was one of the first things he thought that day when he hovered over Berk, and saw this kid hauling a basket at least three quarters his size around.

Actually the exact phrase was, "Ha, careful shrimp, looks like those twigs for arms are about to snap."

And the completely unexpected reply: "Aaaaand there's a fairy over my head insulting my size. Looks like the twins spiked the well again... _fantastic_. Well thank you, mister fairy-man, I really needed that extra encouragement today."

"Fairy? Hang on, no, _fairy_, are you serious? Listen pal, I am _not_ – wait..."

Really, you wouldn't think someone as cynical as Hiccup could see Jack Frost. But the fishbone knew his people's lore, including the legend of one Jökul Frosti. Though once he made the connection between Jack and the Norse nature god, Hiccup stared at Jack like he'd just asked him to kiss a Gronkle. "_You're _a god," he said flatly, and Jack could have frozen his bony butt right then and there.

Jack returned to here and now when Hiccup pressed his slightly open mouth harder against the sprite's, and breathed a small sigh through his nose. He made barely any noise, barely _did _anything, but Jack couldn't fail to notice with mild horror just how tight his pants were getting.

Okay. Don't panic. Be cool. He was Jack Frost, cool was practically his middle name (it certainly wasn't Aloicious). Wait what was Hiccup doing _now_, where were those hands going?

The dragon rider's fingers ran up into Jack's hair, knotting into the white strands and rubbing slightly against his scalp. Oh. Oh that was nice.

Jack felt himself start to move without really knowing where he was going – not that _that _was so unusual, actually. The guardian often just followed his impulses, putting thought on hold for long stretches while it buzzed at him warningly in the back of his head.

He pushed forward suddenly, until Hiccup's back hit the wall. The rider made a gruff noise in the back of his throat, but he didn't pull away. In fact, he was tugging Jack's face as close to him as he could, and started doing something _really_ fascinating with his tongue... wow. Maybe he had more practice at this than Jack thought.

But all this wasn't exactly helping the growing problem below Jack's belt.

Hiccup's riding gear rubbed between them a little uncomfortably, until he pulled back his hands and started unsnapping the metal clips holding the leather around him. Their faces broke apart as the Viking worked his lightning quick fingers on the last hook, and let the material just slide off and drop to the floor.

That absolutely should not have been as big a turn-on as it was for the winter spirit.

Jack didn't even try to keep it together anymore. He just went in for Hiccup's upturned lips – not exactly what you could call soft, but they still felt kind of awesome. The guardian had no idea what his hands were doing... all he knew was he wanted to touch everything, like a child once instructed to touch nothing. As he rubbed up and down Hiccup's back, gripping at shoulders and pressing hard against the skin through his shirt, the rider abruptly moaned, none too daintily either. His warm hands were making their own rounds against Jack's sides, perching finally on the spirit's hips.

With a garbled sound the guardian couldn't even believe came out of him, and not a freaking mountain goat, Jack leaned up against Hiccup so that their thighs interlocked. But the moment he did, Jack practically jumped back again, as usual realizing just a hair too late how very bad an idea that was. Hopefully the other boy hadn't noticed anything kind of, ahem, _stiff_ bump his thigh, and they could keep doing, um, this... whatever this was exactly.

But the way Hiccup was looking at him when their faces parted, eyes big and blinking... oh crap.

"Are you...?" the dragon rider said slowly, raising a brow and giving him a little sideways squint, before glancing downwards. Which was just as well, because Jack's face right now was probably dark as pie filling – and Jack Frost didn't blush red, oh no, the Moon had granted him the gift of turning _purple _when he flustered_._ That dumb orb must have really had it in for him.

Hiccup looked back up at Jack with a genuinely surprised expression. But just as Jack was about to abandon ship and pull an, 'oh, would you look at the time, I have to go do that thing okay bye!' the other boy started to grin. It was the same smile Hiccup gave Jack the first time the guardian challenged him to a race – a cocky little smile that said, "You're on!"

The last thing Jack expected happened faster than his poor purpling head could follow, and before he had even a clue what was going on, Hiccup's hand went right to the source of the problem and started 'taking care of it.'

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiii iiittjflk,...

Jack's fingers clenched into his friend's green tunic, and his breathing dragged. The dragon rider's hand moved slowly over the bump under the fabric, outlining his shape between calloused fingers. His half-grip started to rise and fall experimentally along Jack's length, and that sound Jack made right there was _not_ a whimper, nope, that would be a very manly, um, growl. Yes. That. Hmmmm... er that is, grrrrr...

The look on Hiccup's face had the same delighted curiosity as when he discovered a new dragon species – only a little... cloudier. He tried going faster and slower, from a little squeeze to just barely brushing it, observing each sound and twitch from the flustered sprite as he tested for the best technique. The little scientist got even bolder, and Jack felt him tug and fiddle at his belt until it opened, and _ooooohhhh goooooddddsss_ yeah okay, that was Hiccup's hand slipping under the trousers' waistline.

When the rider had his warm palm all the way around him, Jack was _done_. He launched against Hiccup, catching his chapped-but-still-awesome-feeling lips in a series of kisses that had the other boy moaning in surprise. The Viking's hand was crammed awkwardly between them, but Jack didn't even care. He just wanted to be as close as he could get to the bony dragon rider.

"Mmf – Jack!" Hiccup finally spluttered, freeing himself of the guardian's frenzied kisses. "Hang on – just – hang on a second."

He pulled his hand out of Jack's pants, much to the guardian's frustration, and in an even more devastating turn of events, started to detangle from the spirit's embrace. Hiccup must have noticed Jack's total misery at this move, because he rolled his eyes and grabbed Jack's forearm, saying, "Oh come on, you."

The rider led the guardian to his – oh. Oh... Jack was still processing exactly what was about to happen when his back hit the really-not-that-comfortable covers to Hiccup's bed. And then Hiccup was over him and actually straddling him because well hey, dragon rider and all. Okay then...

"Didn't I tell you I'm not one of your lizards?" Jack mumbled, feeling weirdly dizzy.

Hiccup just smirked and leaned down, not bothering to reply before smothering the spirit's lips with his own. Jack instantly forgot to care about anything else, and reached around the skinny Viking to bring him nearer. After some kind of sort of _electric_ combat between their tongues, Hiccup sat up and started loosing the tie around his tunic. His shirt was gone in a second, and there was the crazy feeling of skin under Jack's fingers, warm and smooth and freckled.

Piece by piece, clothes kept getting tossed in a pile on the floor, until two pairs of trousers and a prosthetic topped the heap, Hiccup's boot lying to the side of it, and nothing was between the two desperate boys. Jack and Hiccup just touched and stroked each other, gasping too hard to kiss anymore. The guardian couldn't get close enough, he just had to be closer but couldn't think how – well except... there was _one _way of getting closer, wasn't there? ...Hnnnng.

The thought hit Jack so suddenly, and with that, it was like his body just ordered his mind to go on full evac. He groaned, pushing up against the boy in his lap and, with a little help from the wind, flipped them both over until Hiccup was below him, thighs clasped around Jack's hips. The Viking looked a little caught off-guard, but then the way his eyes lit and the quiet excitement in his half-grin dared the guardian to go on. So Jack kissed him and kissed him and shuddered a little at the fingers running up his spine, and couldn't stop thinking of how bad he really, really, _really _wanted to just spread the damn fishbone's legs and –

...uhhhhhhhh.

"Ah... Hiccup?" Jack said quietly. The boy frowned a bit at the loss of Jack's lips, blinking up at him. "Have you... done this before?"

The dragon rider shrugged best he could against the wood-framed bed. "Well, no," he admitted plainly. "But I mean, it's not like... you know, I don't... _know _how it works."

Jack stared. "How would _you _know?" he blurted.

Then Hiccup glanced around, actually looking a little sheepish. "Um. Heh, well... you know those Roman scrolls I got a few months ago?"

The guardian blinked. And promptly fell against the other boy in a fit of laughter.

"You – you perverted little – and I thought – and your nose was always in them – oh wow—!"

All that time Jack thought Hiccup was such a nerd for spending so many evenings translating his precious Latin scrolls from overseas. Oh gods... that little –

"Alright frostbite," the rider muttered, pushing Jack off his shoulder. "What about you? I'm guessing you haven't either?"

Jack scoffed, turning his head with unconvincing certainty. "What – why would you think that?"

Hiccup smirked, lifting a brow, and Jack caved.

"Okay but you're not the only one who's done their homework, fishbone!"

The Viking's brow traveled even further up.

"...You see a lot when you're invisible okay?"

Hiccup's eyes actually closed, and after a moment he snorted softly. "I know this is hard for you to understand, but there's this thing I keep trying to explain called _privacy_..."

"Oh don't be a–" before Jack could say another word, Hiccup reached up and kissed his chin. And his neck. And dug his fingers into his thighs. Hm. Never mind then.

"So you wouldn't happen to have, you know," Jack managed to rasp, balancing his voice against Hiccup's little but damn _distracting_ attentions, like he was walking a rope. "_Stuff_?"

"If by _stuff_, you mean _stuff_ _to make things a little slicker_?" Hiccup articulated, smiling wickedly. "Then the answer is... I don't actually know. I think there might be something we could work with in the cupboard downstairs though..."

"But that's so far awaaay," Jack complained, collapsing his head into the pillow by Hiccup's face. "Ugh, whatever, I'll go look."

The guardian reluctantly got up, but Hiccup grabbed him. "Are you seriously going to walk around my house naked? What if my _dad _comes back!"

"It's not like he'd _see_ anything," Jack sniggered. "Oh come on it's fastest if I just do it!"

He didn't give Hiccup another chance to argue, swinging open the door and swooping down to the lower level of the house. Okay, no, no, _really _no... hmm, yeah, that should work. He returned in another instant with a promising little jar in his hands. But Hiccup just stared at it.

"Jack," he said. "That's... butter."

"Yeah, so?" The guardian plucked off the lid, examining the creamy contents.

"So... are we _baking_? Because I kind of thought we were doing _something else_! Something that _butter_ isn't used for!"

"Would you chill?" Jack laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Would you explain to me why you think for even a second I would let you stick _butter_—"

"Look," Jack interrupted kneeling in front of the other boy on his bed, "it works, okay? Trust me."

"Trust you," Hiccup repeated dryly. But this was the first time in this whole escapade that Jack's eyes didn't waver nervously. "Fine, fine! We'll do it your way."

Jack stuck his fingers into the jar, slathering them with the white grease while Hiccup cringed.

"We _eat _that..." he grumbled.

"What your dad doesn't know..."

He pulled out his fingers, covered with the thick dairy. "Gross," Hiccup commented, while Jack smirked. Though he hesitated once he met the rider's expecting eyes. After a beat, Hiccup leaned forward.

"So this is supposed to be the interesting part," he said quietly.

"Yeah..." Jack mumbled. He didn't budge.

"...Oh for Thor's sake!"

With that, the impatient teenager grabbed Jack's clean hand and pressed it to his groin, diving in for his lips and running his thumb against his pale cheek. As he'd hoped, that definitely woke Jack out of his unsure stupor. The guardian flicked his cool tongue around in Hiccup's hot mouth, leaning forward until the Viking was under him again. He pumped the slackened flesh between his fingers back to life, rising a little shorter than Jack's, but actually pretty thick. The dragon rider groaned and pulled on the guardian's hair, while Jack kind-of-not-really accidentally humped Hiccup's thigh. Welp.

Hiccup took Jack's other wrist, and started guiding it down...

Okay. Okay, interesting part. Right. No problem...

"...Ow!"

"Sorry!"

"Well don't _stop_, just –what are you _doing_, get back in there!"

"Look I'm not gonna just _plow _my way in."

"_Obviously_, just go slow, you meat-head! ...Okay not _that_ slow, Odin, a concussed _snail _could go faster – _too fast-too fast_! Okay, okay... no there, that's fine, just... okay that, keep doing that, got it?"

"That?"

"Yeah... yeah that's... yeah."

"...How's that?"

"Uh... different... just... huh..."

By the second finger, Hiccup went from his 'that's interesting' face to something a lot more entertaining. The third finger had him closing his eyes and gasping through a wide, childish smile. Jack didn't know why, but he could have stared at Hiccup's face like that for _hours_... maybe it was just how happy he looked? The guardian kissed a dappled cheek, because well it was there and dimpled and Hiccup was making that _face_ so what _else _was he supposed to do?

When he pulled back, the Viking was looking at him with a little grin.

"Ready when you are," he murmured.

...So. How exactly... hm.

Hiccup apparently read Jack's mind, and wrapped his one good leg around the guardian's upper torso, while the other clung to the opposite side. There was pretty clear access after that...

So Jack shifted forward a little, took aim, and dove in.

The Viking yelped, twisting the sheets in his fingers, and Jack moaned brokenly as he slid into heat so tight it made his head light and giddy. He had to breathe, just breathe a moment before he asked huskily, "You – alright?"

"Peachy," Hiccup bit. "Just - nngh – just hold still for a second."

"O-okay..."

Easier said than done... how the flying balls of Odin was he supposed to just _ignore _how insanely awesome being in Hiccup felt and _not move_? But then, to be honest... the thought of hurting him was more than enough to keep Jack in place.

After a few moments, Hiccup finally spoke up.

"What are you waiting for, spring?"

That was enough of a green light for Jack.

He moved in him slowly, not exactly steady, but thorough. Hiccup gasped and dipped back his head, breathing in time to Jack's slow thrusts. He pushed in, all the way, as far as he could, into that _blinding_ heat, and pulled back, whimpering – yes, okay fine, he was whimpering. But that was nothing compared to what _Hiccup _was doing! What even _was_ that? He practically shouted before that ridiculous cry died into a whine, while the hints of a smile still twitched in his lips. The dragon rider looked like he was having the time of his life...

...Until he glanced up with a mischievously glinting eye, and said darkly, "Is that all you got?"

Jack didn't need any further goading. As usual, everything the two tried to get done turned into a game, and Jack never backed down from a challenge!

The guardian of fun rocked into his partner with hard, fast thrusts, uneven and haphazard but deep and kind of _incredible_. Hiccup cried out over Jack's rhythmic moaning, clinging to his shoulders. Jack almost couldn't stand it, surrounded with something tighter than any fingers' grip, completely engulfed inside his friend who had a goofy laugh and ridiculously big eyes and a smile he could never get tired of...

Hiccup suddenly shouted outright, louder than ever, and clapped a hand over his mouth with a surprised, bug-eyed look. Jack paused, then tried to replicate that last thrust. It took a couple tries, but – there! The Viking's hand muffled his yell only a little.

Ha! Now Jack was in the lead!

He didn't hit it every time, but the sprite started rolling into that same spot, again and again, and Hiccup looked like he was fighting with everything he had not to just scream and scream. Stubborn little dork... wait what was he doing?

The Viking reached down between them, bumping Jack's stomach while he took himself into his hand. Ohhh mother of gods, no, the way he threw back his head and grabbed his own hair with his other hand, legit _screaming_, oh shit, oh fuck, oh fuck fuck fuck fuck—

Jack couldn't stop himself from shouting when he couldn't take it anymore, like something in him just burst and the most _amazing _tremors pounded through his body, while he released into Hiccup.

"Wh–whoa – whOA –WHAT— OH – oH M Y – COLD! FUU – _COLD_ SHHHH HOLY – ODI-IN – Wha-a-t—?!"

...Whoops.

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**A/n**: Pffffffffffffffffffffffft yeah okay hurhur. ;P

Jack lost, btw. He came first~


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